Douglas Boneparth, a certified financial planner, and his wife, Heather Boneparth, co-run the financial planning firm Bone Fide Wealth, which works with clients with an emphasis on both spouses working together. They even have a newsletter, The Joint Account, to help partners “navigate finances and relationships without losing their minds or each other.”
They recently wrote a book, Money Together, that compiles their advice about how married couples can navigate their finances together, and they hope it offers a pathway “for creating powerful relationships with both partners at the table.”
Here, they speak with Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine about what they’ve learned.
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Kiplinger: In your new advice book for couples, Money Together, fairness is a consistent theme. Why is this such a hot-button issue for couples?
Heather: People have a misguided assumption that fair means even — that you’re both giving 50-50 all the time. When you search for that, you can end up in conflict, neither of you getting what you need. When you keep score, you can end up resentful.
Doug: Equal doesn’t build the camaraderie and teamwork that a relationship needs to thrive long term. When fairness is tied to who’s making the money and who contributes more, that’s the wrong vein.
You’re both big proponents of couples talking regularly about money. What are best practices for a productive conversation?
Doug: I like to schedule meetings at the end of each calendar quarter. That’s when financial statements come out, so the data is fresh. Begin by discussing your wins. Then you can get into the financials like budgeting, cash flow and net worth. Go beyond the numbers, too. Dive into what’s working and not working for each of you.
Heather: Also, talk about your financial goals, what you both want in the short and long term. See if priorities have shifted in your life.
How do the challenges long-partnered couples face differ from those of couples who’ve been together for a shorter time?
Doug: When you’ve been together a long time, there’s more time for people to get stuck in their ways. But there’s also a lot of experience there. Knowing your partner well can help you understand how they operate.
Heather: With time, you gain perspective about what matters most in your life. You realize in the grand scheme of things, many of the things that felt mission-critical when you were young aren’t that important.
Some couples divide financial duties — for instance, one pays the bills, the other handles investing. What do you think of that approach?
Doug: Whatever system works for your household is probably what’s right for you. But everyone needs to be able to do the other person’s job. Your family’s financial fate shouldn’t rest in one person’s hands.
Regular communication, transparency and access are a big part of it, too. Both people need the same level of access to logins, passwords, bank accounts and investment accounts.
(Image credit: Getty Images)
Many couples have differing views on important money topics, such as retirement. How do you find common ground?
Doug: Start by focusing on what you both want — your mutual goals. That positive foundation creates momentum, so it’s easier to communicate and compromise. A big issue I see is around when to retire. One person is ready to step back, while the other still feels energized by work or uneasy about stopping.
The best way to find common ground is to model what retiring now versus later looks like for cash flow and portfolio longevity. Then talk through each preference. Often the solution isn’t choosing one timeline or the other, but adjusting spending, part-time work or saving a bit more so the plan supports both partners’ needs.
Heather: Put 12 to 20 options on the table, not just two. When you’re sorting out all those scenarios, you could find something that you’re both comfortable with.
After 12 years of marriage and writing a book together, are there areas you still have to navigate with care?
Doug: The most challenging thing is our business. Working together adds a layer of complexity to our lives.
Heather: And we work very differently. I like to plan and forecast. He is entrepreneurial — run fast, be nimble, figure it out as we go. We try to take our own advice on compromise.
Doug: We don’t strive for perfection. We just strive for improvement.
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine, a monthly, trustworthy source of advice and guidance. Subscribe to help you make more money and keep more of the money you make here.