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Natalie Brown found herself emotionally triggered by her doctor’s simple question: “Is there anyone to help you at home after the surgery?”
That routine question almost knocked her to the ground. The reality of her life as a solo ager hit “right between the eyes,” says Brown, 57, a digital marketing consultant in Atlanta. Her eyes filled with tears; unable to answer directly, Brown meekly said, “I’m divorced.”
Solo aging — growing older without a partner, an adult child or close relative to care for you — can sneak up on people, even as the population of solo agers explodes nationwide. The increasing numbers of independent older adults have much in common with each other, yet are at high risk of loneliness and isolation.
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For many, aging solo is a choice to pursue autonomy and independence, a way to live on their own terms without having to explain, get permission or make compromises.
Others are thrust into aging alone. It’s estimated that 15 million Americans aged 55 and up don’t have children or a partner. That doesn’t include people estranged from their kids or who can’t depend on them or other relatives as they age.
“Solo agers have always been around,” says Emily Nabors, associate director of innovation at the National Council on Aging. “But I think as people are living longer in the community, it is more common.”
The numbers are growing because of the massive, aging baby boom generation, preferences to age in place, cultural changes, such as birth control, that enabled boomers to have fewer children, the ability of women to support themselves financially and fraying familial ties.
“You may phone 911 during an emergency, but who will unlock the door to let the medics in?”
While solo aging enables people to make their own decisions, the downsides can be daunting. You may phone 911 during an emergency, but who will unlock the door to let the medics in? Who’s going to take over your finances when your cognition starts to go? Who’s going to help you take a shower or get dinner when you’re recovering from an injury or surgery? One answer is to prepare and plan well in advance to have support systems in place.
Solo good and bad
Between 1970 and 2022, the proportion of American households headed by people living alone virtually doubled from about 16% to about 30%, notes Elena Portacolone, professor at the Institute for Health & Aging at the University of California, San Francisco.
According to AARP, 10% of adults 50 and over live alone and don’t have significant others or children. Another 24% have children who would not provide care.
The top concerns of solo agers, according to AARP, are: losing independence or having to rely on others; not having enough money; and being alone without family or friends around.
But for all their worries, solo agers are generally happy with their lives. According to AARP, 49% of solo agers are optimistic (about 10% less than the general 50-plus population) while 25% are pessimistic.
Solo gloom and blooms
Georgene Nitzsche works for the University of Indianapolis as an assistant professor in the Aging Studies program. At 72, she is a solo ager in the midst of her second career, which she entered at age 60 after she had a breakup with a partner. She went to school to get degrees in gerontology. “I’ve been a solo ager for as long as I can remember,” she says. She describes her life as a time of great opportunity. “I have a wonderful job working for a great university,” she says. “I don’t have to answer to anyone.”
She says her social network has expanded. “So I’m very happy being a solo ager. I honestly would not trade it for anything.”
“It’s really important to lean into all of the good things that solo aging brings…” – Heather Nawrocki, AARP
“It’s not all doom and gloom,” says Heather Nawrocki, vice president of fun and fulfillment for AARP. “Just because you live alone and you’re solo aging, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to be lonely. I think that loneliness is prevalent; 22% of people who are solo agers in our research are saying that they’re lonely. But when you look at the top responses of what’s great about living alone and being a solo ager, it’s the freedom of autonomy, the independence, having control of your life and decision-making, no responsibility to others. There are positives, too.”
“It’s really important to lean into all of the good things that solo aging brings, but keep in mind and keep an eye out on your social health because that is going to be so critical as you continue to age.”
Nawrocki says solo agers should take an accounting of their social health and their engagements with other people. “Who can you call?” she says. “Who can you depend on? I think paying attention to that and doing what you can to ensure that you have a social network is not only going to help you solo aging, but it’s tied to happiness and longevity and better health, as well.” (Research indicates that social ties can even ward off the progression of dementia.)
There’s a phenomenon known as “blooming of the widow,” Portacolone notes, in which women who have cared for their husbands find independence and purpose after their husbands die. “I remember a Japanese woman telling me, ‘Well, now, I’ve got the remote control. I can choose my channels and I can take the classes I enjoy. I’ve got more time to myself.'” Women live longer than men and are more likely to stay single after divorce or widowhood. Consequently, one in three older women is a solo ager compared to one in five older men, according to Nawrocki.
(Image credit: Getty Images)
Creativity to manage the bad
As with life in general, most solo agers experience both the positive and the negative their circumstances bring. Needing someone to help you leave a health care facility after a procedure, like surgery or a colonoscopy, can be daunting when you live alone. Some solo agers consequently postpone or avoid health care procedures because of these obstacles.
Or they get creative.
Judy Hirsch, 70, has never wanted to marry, concluding that she would be happier as a single. She’s a retired affirmative action investigator in Philadelphia with an older brother in New York.
In March 2023, she underwent surgery and didn’t have anyone to take care of her afterwards. “So I hired a company to send aides to help me,” she says. “And I immediately realized I didn’t need them, but I decided I would rather pay somebody for something that I don’t need than not pay somebody and say, ‘Oh, I really need somebody.’ I said it was money well spent.”
Facing these needs, Hirsch has expanded her social network to include other solo agers interested in helping one another. She heads a group of the AARP’s “Ethel Circles,” which consists of older women who meet through closed Facebook groups to support each other.
AARP has a number of groups for women, Nawrocki says. For women ages 45 to 60, it has the Girlfriend Social Club, and for women over 60, it has the Ethel community.
Hirsch remains concerned about her future needs. “If dementia should come knocking on my door, I would like to think that before it gets too bad, I will be smart enough to move myself into an assisted living place,” she says.
After Natalie Brown was shaken by her surgeon’s question, she told him she needed some time. She went home to process her circumstances. She had brothers in other states, so she thought about them. She was also in therapy, and she had friends. She contacted her health insurance provider and her employee assistance program; she learned about resources they offered, from coaching her through her options to helping find medical transportation.
“Then I started Googling,” she says. She found numerous resources. There was Care.com and Navigating Solo, a resource clearinghouse for people growing older on their own, run by Ailene Gerhardt, a certified senior adviser.
“I started coming out of the funk,” Brown says. She got a friend to come help after the surgery. And subsequently, when preparing for a colonoscopy, she sent texts to a relative and a friend and found one of them able to join her at home afterwards.
She says Gerhardt connected her with a lot of resources, including companies that can take her to medical appointments or sit with her after a procedure. Her employee assistance program helped her find resources like medical transport and things she needed to care for her mother, including rehab centers.
Planning to age alone
Melissa Blankenship, 56, was not expecting to age alone. In 2006, she married a man 15 years her senior. They had grand plans; they lived in Nashville and were going to fix up a sailboat and sail to the Bahamas. But he died in 2011, and she was alone.
She moved to the Seattle area to be near her parents. Then she helped her aunt and uncle, who both had health issues. They had lived great lives with careers and families, she says. But at the end, after all their hard work, their lives were chaotic because they didn’t have a plan in place for aging. Her uncle cared for his wife, until she moved into a facility, she says. And then there was no one to care for him until his death. Then Blankenship realized there was no one to care for her. For the last two years, she’s been working on her plan.
“How do you make new friends and social connections when you’re 60 or 70 or 80?”
Gerhardt says she encourages people to think about these issues well in advance. “Ideally a solo ager has a plan for aging; they have a plan for who they call at 3:00 a.m., who might drive them home from a procedure, accompany them to the hospital, go on a tour of a senior living or older adult community, suggest a financial adviser or estate attorney and talk about what they thought about putting into their financial plan or their estate plan.”
She breaks the planning into seven critical components: a reliable support network; health care management; advanced care planning; health care proxies; decisions about where to live; and financial planning. Finally, importantly, plan on living “a dynamic life.”
“If you’ve done all that homework,” Gerhardt says, “it’d be great if you had the opportunity to go out and do the things you’ve always wanted to do.”
But how do you make new friends and social connections when you’re 60 or 70 or 80?
You can visit your local senior center or look for an organization of people who share some interest you have. You can take classes or volunteer to help others.
“I do think that one of the best ways to feel more connected and build your social network is to pursue a group of like-minded people,” Nawrocki says. “What are your interests — whatever your interests might be — there’s a group for that.” And if it’s not in person in your local community, you could probably find something online.
Brown says it’s important to destigmatize and encourage important conversations. “You have to talk about real serious stuff that’s all taboo,” she says. “We don’t talk about money; we don’t talk about aging; we don’t talk about dying; we don’t talk about death and all the decisions that you have to think through as a solo ager. You need legal paperwork to back up your choices and the people you want to make them for you, when you can’t make the decisions yourself. That’s not a happy hour conversation.”
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Retirement Report, our popular monthly periodical that covers key concerns of affluent older Americans who are retired or preparing for retirement. Subscribe for retirement advice that’s right on the money.