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At one point in my life, I thought I had it all.
I had the title, the responsibility, the power, the big salary, the upward trajectory, the perfect house, a cute family — a life that looked perfect.
In reality, I missed dinners with my family, was always preoccupied with work, thought our house wasn’t big enough compared with others, and still worried about finances. And … I was dying on the inside.
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I had built the life I thought I was supposed to want, only to realize it was all a lie.
The only thing that really mattered to me was putting my daughter on the bus one more day, because I didn’t know if I would have tomorrow.
It took (literal) brain surgery for me to come to this realization.
Many of us have spent years trying to achieve “success,” to have what looks like the perfect life, to be seen among our peers as what others think success is.
But rarely have I run into someone who would say for themselves that they’ve achieved that success. Why? Because as Americans, we have been fed what success is: Bigger, better, faster, more.
In reality, studies show most Americans want happiness first.
Here are five signs you’re living someone else’s definition of success — and what you can do to start changing course.
1. You’re chasing everyone else’s idea of ‘enough’
You look around and ask yourself, “Is everyone richer than me?” They have a bigger house, a nicer car, and they’re still striving for more. You feel as if you need to do it, too. The old “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality.
Inwardly, you’re tired of striving and if you really think about it, you don’t really care about the bigger house, the nicer car or the bigger title. If this is you, you’re chasing their definition of enough, not your own.
Try this. Ask yourself, “What would success look like if nobody else knew about it?” You might realize the things that matter most aren’t things anyone can see.
2. You’ve achieved it, and you’re still not happy
You have the car. You have the title. You have the house. You have everything you thought was supposed to make you happy — and you’re still not happy. You have an inner voice that whispers, “I thought this would feel different. I thought I’d like this more.”
That moment — what I call Unfortunate Awareness — can feel like failure, like you’ve missed the mark. It’s actually freedom. Once you see the truth, you can do something to fix it.
Try this. Don’t rush it. Sit in the quiet long enough to hear what that discomfort is trying to tell you, and name it. What isn’t right? What isn’t working? That’s where clarity lives.
3. You define yourself by the role you play
If you catch yourself leaning into a part — “the doctor,” “the room mom who always says yes,” “the multitasker who can handle anything” — you might be performing more than living.
This is likely because you identify your worth with your title. You’ve defined success as being that person with that title. My questions: Is this really who you want to be? Are you happy?
Try this. Before you say yes, pause and ask yourself, “Am I saying yes because I really am happy, or because it aligns with the role I feel I’m supposed to play?”
4. You feel guilty for wanting something different
From the outside, your life looks perfect — or so you tell yourself. You guilt yourself into thinking, “I shouldn’t say anything, I have so much!”
“Shoulding” yourself out of your feelings is a sure sign that something isn’t right. You’re feeling the push/pull of what you’ve been taught success is vs what you really want in life.
Try this. Swap “What will they think if I quit/change?” for “What will I think of myself if I stay/don’t change?”
5. You’ve said to yourself, ‘I’ll be happy when …’
We’ve all been told the American Dream is about wanting and achieving more, more, more. It seems the golden ring is always just beyond our grasp. If you find yourself saying, “I’ll be happy as soon as …” you might be missing what’s right in front of you.
Try this. Finish this sentence: “I’ll feel successful when …” Then ask, “What’s stopping me from feeling that now?”
What can I do?
The good news is you don’t have to burn everything down or start over to change course. You can build a future that feeds your soul and keeps the stability you’ve worked so hard for by owning your own definition of success.
Start by writing your definition down, reviewing it, and asking yourself where it came from and if it still fits. If not, tear it up and create a new one. Say it out loud. Share it with your loved ones.
It’s OK not to want what you think others think you should want, as long as you own it.
Becca Pearce is a personal executive coach, speaker, and author of You Don’t Have to Achieve to Be Loved: Escape the Lies You’ve Been Sold to Design the Life You Want. She helps high-achieving professionals rediscover joy and design lives that actually fit. Learn more at www.morebeccapearce.com.