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Second marriages have long been called a triumph of hope over experience — a line rooted in the assumption that remarriage simply repeats the dynamics of a first union. But that notion is increasingly outdated.
Today’s second marriages are so distinct from what first unions entail that they almost deserve a moniker of their own (“conscious recoupling,” anyone?). For one thing, people who remarry tend to be older almost by definition, with the fastest rate of growth in second unions happening among men and women ages 65 and up.
And because they’ve had years of building a life separately before joining forces, these new partners typically come into the relationship with their own — sometimes sizable — assets and obligations, well-established careers and financial habits, often children and maybe ex-spouses from their previous marriage, and perhaps some emotional baggage as well.
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That all makes navigating remarriage complex, especially where managing money is concerned.
“You have to come into a second marriage knowing that you’re two fully formed entities, personally and financially,” says Jonathan Kolmetz, a financial therapist and certified financial planner with Oaks Wealth Management in Houston. “And you need the appropriate amount of planning to reflect that complexity.”
It’s a challenge that millions of older adults are managing as they head toward and through retirement. According to Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family & Marriage Research, 28% of 45-to 64-year-olds and 31% of those 65 and older are remarried—the largest percentage of any age group.
To make sure you and your new spouse live in a state of marital and financial harmony, here’s what experts suggest.
Decide what’s yours, mine and ours
One of the first and most consequential choices you and your spouse need to make is how to structure your financial life together. To start, how do you handle the assets and liabilities you bring into a second marriage?
It’s a complicated question, says Stacy Barrett, a lawyer in Napa, Calif., and an editor at Nolo.com, a publisher of legal guides and software. About two-thirds of divorced couples go on to remarry, according to Pew Research Center, which means one or both spouses in that new union may still be financially entwined with an ex, from support payments to joint expenses for any children they had together.
Remarried couples are also likely to have more investments than people bring to first marriages, such as savings and retirement accounts, which they may not want to share, at least not entirely, with their new partner. And spouses may not want to be on the hook for the other person’s prior debts or financial obligations, such as paying for a child’s college education or helping adult kids with the cost of a wedding or down payment on a house.
“In many cases, you have to balance the desire to take care of your new spouse and build a life together, while still preserving your assets for your children or grandchildren,” says Barrett.
Older couple jogging in park
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The other reason to set up a legal distribution of your assets is the risk of what will happen if you don’t. “Without the appropriate documents, your property is subject to the default rules of your state, or federal law, if you divorce or die,” Barrett says.
Worse, many people aren’t familiar with what those default rules are. What would happen if your second marriage ends in divorce (60% of second unions do) or if you die without a will? In the latter case, the surviving partner might get, say, half of the deceased spouse’s estate, with the remaining assets divided between his or her children, although the specific guidelines depend on where you live. When the second spouse passes away, those inherited assets would go to his or her heirs — perhaps the stepkids of the first spouse to die, not that person’s own children.
“It’s important to brush up on the basics, so you can decide whether you want to adopt the default rules, which vary by state, or come up with your own plan,” Barrett says. (You can find a list of state rules governing the division of assets after a spouse dies here or in case of divorce here.)
A bespoke plan will cost anywhere from a few hundred dollars to several thousand, depending on the documents you need, the complexity of your financial circumstances, and whether you work with a marital or estate-planning attorney or do it yourself using a legal website such as Nolo, LegalZoom.com or RocketLawyer.com. But the price is worth it, Barrett says, to give you more control over the outcome. She recommends using several tools, including a prenuptial agreement, estate plans and trusts, and updated beneficiaries and titles on important accounts and assets.
“Using a combination of strategies allows you to be very specific about how you want your property divided,” Barrett says, “and it can help avoid conflict later on.”
Harness the power of prenups
When Sarah Fields remarried in 2019, for example, she and her new husband felt it was best to keep their income and assets completely separate. “What he brought into the marriage was his; what I brought into the marriage was mine,” she says.
But the couple hit a speed bump when they decided to combine their newly blended family (she had two teens; he had a younger son) and move into the home outside of Boston that Fields had purchased after her divorce.
Fields, 53, wanted to keep the house titled in her name, but her husband balked. “He didn’t want to feel like a tenant in his own home, understandably,” says Fields, a historian. “But for me, keeping the house was a point of pride and independence. And I wanted to make sure my kids inherited it.”
The couple agreed to sign a prenuptial agreement that would spell out the terms they decided were equitable for them. Among the items: She would pay the mortgage and any repairs on the house, and she would remain as the legal sole owner. Her husband would cover the utilities. And they would each handle their own personal expenses and any costs related to their kids.
Bride and groom walking under arms of wedding guests
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Prenuptial agreements get a bad rap. But for couples in second marriages, like Fields and her husband, they offer important protections, says Michael Craven, a partner who focuses on family law with Harrison LLP, a national wealth-planning law firm based in Chicago. “Prenups protect your assets and your income, and they can protect you from your new spouse’s debts and obligations.”
They seem to be gaining traction. Some 20% of married couples report having a prenup, up from just 3% in 2010, according to a 2023 Axios/ Harris poll. And 50% of U.S. adults say they are open to the idea.
The evolution of do-it-yourself legal platforms may be helping to fuel this trend. HelloPrenup and Trusted Prenup are online platforms that can help you create a state-specific prenup for a flat fee of about $600, for example. Or you can hire a lawyer.
For those looking to manage costs, Barrett suggests a hybrid approach: Use a DIY service to draft the prenup, then have your lawyers review it. “This helps ensure that the agreement does what you intend, and it’s enforceable if challenged,” she says.
Barrett notes that prenups offer an added benefit for couples getting married for the second time: “A valid prenup requires full financial disclosure from both partners,” she says. Given how challenging some financial conversations can be, Barrett says, “a prenup kind of forces you into it—so you know where you stand.”
Is marrying again a money-smart idea?
A growing number of divorced or widowed older adults in committed relationships are choosing to say “I don’t” to remarrying. Money is often a big reason. If you’re grappling with the decision to wed for a second time, these are some of the financial factors to consider.
Retirement benefits. “An upside of not getting remarried is that you can preserve certain benefits from your first marriage,” says Stacy Barrett, a lawyer in Napa, Calif., and an editor with legal publisher Nolo.com.
If you’re divorced and remarry, for instance, you will no longer be entitled to receive Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse’s work record, if he or she is still alive and those benefits are bigger than what you would be entitled to based on your own earnings.
The rules are different, though, if your former spouse has died or you’re widowed, and they depend on the age you remarry: Tie the knot again before you turn 60 and you typically won’t be able to collect Social Security survivor benefits based on a deceased spouse’s record. But you may be entitled to those benefits if you remarry when you’re 60 or older, as long as you meet other eligibility criteria. (For instance, if you’re divorced, you must have been married for at least 10 years to qualify for benefits based on a former spouse’s earnings.)
Some pension or military benefits that accrue to a divorced or widowed spouse might also go away if you remarry, depending on your age and other factors. The terms of these benefits are complicated, Barrett says, so it’s essential to get help reading the fine print from a lawyer or another financial professional if you’re thinking of remarriage.
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Support payments. If you’re divorced and receiving alimony from your former spouse, those payments will most likely end if you remarry. Often these payments end upon your ex’s retirement, in any event.
Estate plans. By not remarrying you’re spared the need to expend time, energy and money on legal documents to protect your assets and your heirs, says Barrett. If you’re single and die without a will, your assets will simply pass to your children or closest relatives under your state’s default inheritance rules.
Being able to skip the legal documents common to remarriages, however, cuts both ways. As an unmarried partner, you’d forgo your right to automatically inherit your partner’s 401(k) or other assets.
Debt. Another potential plus to staying legally separate: You won’t be on the hook for your partner’s medical bills or other debts, the way a married spouse would be.
Legal protections. There is one major downside to staying single, Barrett says: “You don’t have next-of-kin status, so you don’t have the legal authority to make medical decisions for your partner, if needed, or access their medical information.”
That said, it’s possible to remedy most marriage-related gaps through other legal means. Becoming your partner’s health care proxy and having power of attorney can give you more control over what happens to them and their finances if they fall ill. And while there’s less pressure on unmarried couples to do so, each partner could decide to name the other in their will and estate plan for the other person’s long-term benefit.
“These steps aren’t automatic, like they would be if you were married,” says Barrett. “But it’s possible to make spouse-like arrangements without the need to get remarried at all.”
Make your wishes legally binding
As she and her husband went through their own prenup process, Fields found that it was important for them to put a human lens on these formal documents. “You want to make sure there’s room for kindness and goodwill,” she says. “These are people you love.”
To that end, Fields updated her estate plan to ensure that her husband and stepson could continue to live in the home for a period after she dies; then the house would pass to her own children via a trust.
Barrett notes that this coordination of documents is an important step in the process. The intentions you set forth in a prenup have to be reflected in other key documents as well. “Otherwise the assets you earmark for your kids in the prenup won’t be transferred to them,” she says.
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The same is true for how your assets are titled, says Natalie Perry, an estate-planning lawyer also with Harrison LLP. “Many people don’t realize that your designated beneficiaries on certain accounts, and how your assets are titled, can trump what’s in your estate plan.”
In that vein, trusts are an important estate-planning tool that can help ensure that assets avoid probate and are bequeathed to your children or grandchildren, and not your surviving spouse, if that’s your intention.
A common solution when you’re trying to balance financial security for your spouse while also preserving your children’s inheritance is a qualified terminable interest property, or QTIP. This type of trust can provide lifetime income for your surviving spouse — an important consideration for older couples when one spouse wants to make sure that after they die the surviving spouse lives comfortably — while preserving the underlying principal asset (such as a home or an investment account) for your children and grandchildren.
The benefit of this arrangement is that the surviving spouse cannot touch the principal asset; it passes intact to the next generation upon their death.
Unpacking your financial and emotional baggage
Putting the right legal and financial structures in place protects your future, but it’s the here-and-now daily money decisions where tension tends to surface most for remarried couples, says Terry Gaspard, a therapist in Portsmouth, R.I., who specializes in divorce and remarriage and is author of the book Let’s Talk About Money: Low-Conflict Conversations for Couples. “Assuming you have your own children, and so does your spouse, you have to decide who’s going to pay for what,” she says. “How do you manage not only spending, but also saving for retirement and joint expenses like vacations?”
For most remarried couples, these aren’t just financial questions but emotional ones, too. As Sarah Fields puts it, “You’re not just dealing with a balance sheet that’s from a bank, you’re dealing with a balance sheet that’s in your heart.”
Coming up with an effective cashflow system often means finding a way to address the emotional baggage that arises simultaneously, says Kolmetz — especially if money was a source of tension in a previous marriage for one or both partners. He says, “If you can have the cashflow conversation in a healthy, structured kind of way, that can support other, more difficult conversations.”
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Start by anticipating certain trouble spots that are common to many second marriages. Spending habits, investing styles, and giving strategies to charities or family members are common breeding grounds for conflict, Kolmetz says.
It’s not that couples in first marriages don’t grapple with these issues too; they do. But in second marriages, spouses may be set in their ways, reluctant to be accountable to a new set of rules, or — particularly for older couples — feel there is less room for error, because there is simply less time to recover from financial setbacks.
In second marriages, one way to cope with these conflicts is to avoid anchoring on what one spouse said or did — or plans to do. Instead, put your spouse’s offending behavior in the context of their complex financial history, Kolmetz says. “It’s not that they are wrong, per se. Their choices reflect their relationship to money.”
Spending habits, investing styles, and giving strategies to charities or family members are common breeding grounds for conflict.
Create opportunities for uncomfortable conversations — and get help when you need it.
One spouse may resent the other’s extravagant taste in travel, say, or how much money they give to one of their kids. The key is to coax out the underlying emotion (fear, worry, a desire to protect) so you can talk about it. You don’t have to resolve the conflict 100%, Kolmetz says, but rather “create opportunities for uncomfortable conversations — and get help when you need it.”
When Fields remarried, she was well aware of the baggage she was carrying from her divorce. Although she and her ex had always merged their money during 20-plus years of marriage, “untangling things during our divorce was really unpleasant,” she says. “I knew I would never commingle my finances again.”
While she and her new husband agreed to keep their assets and expenses separate, “I think I had the delusion that it would always be neat and tidy,” she says. “But you can’t keep a Berlin Wall between your finances.”
Over the past few years of their marriage, she says, they’ve largely kept their personal and kid-related expenses separate but have learned to improvise as needed. For a recent family trip, Fields paid for the plane tickets and accommodations. Her husband covered all the meals. “I didn’t do the math to see if it added up, but it felt fair,” she says.
Similarly, when her husband needed a $3,000 dental procedure unexpectedly, she fronted him the money until his insurance kicked in. She says, “As we get older, this is going to happen more — more medical expenses, more procedures, more prescriptions. We have to figure it out.”
Set up a workable spending system
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Unless you’ve decided to keep your money completely siloed, you’ll need a reliable way to pay household bills and save for joint expenses. “You’re combining two separate entities, to some degree,” Kolmetz says, “and you have to find a way to pay for gas and groceries, the mortgage and insurance.”
Many find that a “three pot” system works best, says Gaspard. That means a shared account for household expenses, paired with individual accounts for personal spending. This can be set up so that each spouse contributes proportionally based on their income, which can reduce resentment if one spouse earns substantially more than the other.
Even with a three-account system, most couples will still need to be transparent about common flashpoints, such as costs associated with kids (including adult children) and grandkids. “Competing priorities around money are an ongoing hazard with blended families,” Gaspard notes.
To work through financial sore spots, the standard advice for most couples is to have regular money check-ins with each other. But Kolmetz suggests upgrading that strategy for second marriages. He says, “Owing to how complex it can be to combine so many separate ingredients in one marriage, it makes sense to get regular help from a third party, such as a financial adviser or a counselor.”
Fields agrees that finding some way to reflect on what’s working and what’s not is essential when there are so many personal and financial dynamics overlapping. “One thing I’ve learned from being married twice is that you need to let go of the ups and downs, and remember you have each other’s interests at heart,” she says. “That’s what any successful marriage is about.”
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine, a monthly, trustworthy source of advice and guidance. Subscribe to help you make more money and keep more of the money you make here.