Right now, I’m watching three of my closest friends’ families fall apart in slow motion.
The circumstances are different, but the arguments sound remarkably similar:
“Mom already gave him money for years.”
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“Dad told me something completely different.”
“Why did she get more?”
“Who gets the house?”
“Was Dad even capable of making that decision?”
What I’m watching isn’t unusual. Inheritance can bring out feelings that have been sitting there for years. In a 2025 Trust and Will survey, 38% of Americans who had shared their estate plans with family said those conversations led to disagreements.
Caregiving responsibilities among adult children aren’t always shared equally, which further complicates inheritance decisions. One child lives 10 minutes away. The others live three states away. At first, she’s helping Mom out. Then she’s sitting through medical appointments, figuring out what the doctor said and what needs to happen next, managing medications and emergencies, handling bills and perhaps cutting back at work.
Business Insider (paywall) reports that daughters make up roughly 61% of family caregivers overall, and nearly 70% of those provide round-the-clock care. The financial toll even has a name: The “daughter tax.”
It can mean reduced work hours, missed promotions, paused retirement contributions and more than $7,000 a year, on average, in out-of-pocket caregiving expenses, according to AARP. Over time, the hit from lost wages and retirement savings can approach $295,000.
Then Mom dies and the will says everything gets split equally.
The daughter is thinking, “I gave up years of my life and spent my own money taking care of Mom.” Her siblings are thinking, “Mom said we split everything equally.”
Was she supposed to be reimbursed? Compensated? Did Mom intend to leave her more?
Parents: Your money should take care of you
Before you start mentally dividing your assets among your kids, ask yourself: What if I need that money?
According to Kiplinger’s Trillion Dollar Talk survey, conducted in partnership with Morning Consult, roughly two in five families have never discussed inheritance plans.
Of course, parents aren’t obligated to tell their adult children how much they have or what they’re going to inherit. But there’s another conversation I think you really should have: What money will be used to fund my long-term care should it be needed?
What if you or your spouse require years of in-home care, assisted living or memory care? What if you need to retrofit the house so you can stay there? Which assets will pay for it, and who manages the money if you can’t?
The inheritance your kids may have in their heads today could look very different after five or 10 years of care. And if you never talk about that possibility, you’re setting everyone up for assumptions, surprises and, yes, conflicts.
My friend Beth Pinsker, CFP and MarketWatch columnist, wrote My Mother’s Money: A Guide to Financial Caregiving after managing her own mother’s finances and care. At one point, her mother’s caregiving costs reached about $12,000 a month.
There may be much less inheritance after you pay for your own care. There may be none. That’s ok. The inheritance is what remains after you take care of yourselves.
That’s what I’d talk about with the kids: Here’s how we intend to pay for our care. Here’s who will handle the finances if we can’t. Here’s what we may need from you — and what we don’t. That way, if the inheritance changes dramatically, nobody is left wondering what happened to Mom and Dad’s money.
Equal isn’t always fair
Parents often assume an equal split is safest. Two children? Fifty-fifty. Three? One third each.
But maybe you gave one child $100,000 toward a house. Was that simply a gift or an advance on an inheritance? Maybe another child has significant health or financial needs. Maybe one wants the family house while the others want cash.
If you decide on an unequal split, understand how it might be heard. “Sarah needs more help” can easily become, “Mom cares about Sarah more.”
You don’t need to disclose your net worth or give everyone a preview of the will. But if you’re making a decision that could surprise one of your kids, tell them why.
Here are the steps I advise anyone in this situation to take:
1. Head off the big fight now
Keep your will, trust and beneficiary designations current. Be clear whether a substantial lifetime gift is simply a gift or something you expect to count against an inheritance.
If one child is spending significant money on your care, decide whether those expenses will be reimbursed.
Think carefully about whom you name as executor or trustee, especially if that person is also an heir. And ask who actually wants the house, jewelry, furniture or Dad’s watch.
Don’t assume you know. The point isn’t to make everyone happy with every decision. It’s to make your intentions clear while you can.
2. Bring in a neutral voice
This is also where a good fee-only financial adviser can do much more than manage investments. There are several qualified advisers in my Wealthramp network who are helping families navigate this situation.
The right adviser can model what several years of care could do to your finances, put numbers around different inheritance choices, look at whether one child can realistically afford to keep the family house, and help you think through these decisions without being emotionally involved in them.
Your adviser isn’t your estate attorney. The adviser helps you work through the financial choices; the attorney makes sure those choices are properly documented. Ideally, they work together.
3. While you still can, talk about it
I keep coming back to my three friends. In these families, only one parent is still alive, and even then, it’s too late for the conversation I’m talking about. The decisions have been made, and the lines have been drawn.
So to my friends who are parents with adult kids: Have these conversations now. Don’t leave your kids to guess what you meant later.
And to my friends who are already in the middle of this, I hope you can find your way through it without losing each other in the process.
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